CODEPENDENCY

                Codependency lives in each of us; the need for others to love us. Cornel West spoke of integrity, honesty, and decency. All of these concepts ties into the foundational principles of relationships. We must learn to first and foremost care for ourselves. It is a lonely world out there if we do not find a way to feed our own souls without other people approving our choices we will never be happy. We will always be searching and begging to be noticed.

                I spent the day with a woman that mirrored my own story. She spoke about how people in our church congregation did not invite her to lunch. Her feelings were deeply hurt to the point of tears several times in the day. The problem with all organizations is that there is always a hierarchy and sometimes when you live in the lower levels you will not be invited to hang out with the higher levels. It is how many organizations work even those striving to be inclusive community. It is also true that people do not always have the capacity or wear with all to consider anything but the immediate people around them. As I listened to her story, her wounded heart, I could hear the desperation to be liked and loved. The deep seeded loneliness that lives in all of our hearts. I saw myself in her eyes. As I held her in her tears without the adequate honest words I realized that I no longer place my worth in others. My worth comes from my heart, my own musings, my own dreams, and I know who I am. It is when we are on the part of the journey that we do not have the answer to the question “who am I” that I find we deeply struggle with the concept of love. It is then we attempt to follow others and become attached to them loving us instead of us loving us. If we do not know who we are and cannot find comfort in our own state being we cannot find comfort in others.

              
 It is when we let go of the belief that we need other people we find people that can fill the
fundamental need. When we are in the throes of codependency we need to be reminded to cut our ties to renegotiate with ourselves. This means we take a breath instead blaming the other people in our lives for not meeting our needs even if it seems like it should be their job to do so. Step back, take a breath, and ask yourself “how can I, and I alone, meet this need?” I have found when I stop trying to force people to be my friend it works a lot better that way. People want to engage.  Relationships look every shade of the rainbow.

                There is your best friend that you talk to at least once a week, the spiritual leader that you share a heart connection with but rarely speak to, the friend you keep in touch with via Facebook, and many more. They are not all the same and to continue to place our relationships in a box is doing all of us a disservice. It is time for us to keep open narrative and to start changing our stories. We do not have to live by what the world told us when we were small. In order to change the paradigm of codependency to independency and strength we MUST change how we interact with our stories.  

                When we change the story from I am being rejected by people to I am here to learn and grown. From there you can choose ways to better yourself in your own unique way. My biggest lesson in this was traveling to Portland last summer to stay with my father’s business partner who I only met at my father’s memorial service. I did not expect to spend much time with them as I knew a good friend in the area. Unfortunately, or fortunately my friend had a family emergency. I found myself crying in the middle of the San Francisco airport. The grief and loneliness was overwhelming. I expected my friend to care for me and show me a foreign city. In that moment I realized that I’d placed the relationship in a box that it did not deserve to be in. It was yet another lesson in expectations and codependency.

                Codependency is difficult. It is probably one of the hardest and most shameful addictions on the market. How do you give up on relationships? You don’t. You renegotiate how you do relationships. You stop blaming those around you for your needs not being met. You very actively choose not to be childish but instead empower yourself to do things that feed your soul. What are your passions? Go do them with people that enjoy what you do, but do not try to make them your best friend simply enjoy the moment. If you continue to explore different communities and ways of interacting you will soon find you do not need to depend upon anyone specific. Community is built so that you feel loved, cared for but not dependent on any particular individual. It time we step up and allow the stickiness and the shame slide away.

                Will you join me and dismantling your beliefs about codependency, relationship, and love? Are you willing to try on a new story for yourself and the world?